An Illusion

It's funny how perspective changes things. For some time now I have been living with the idea that Christians are being illusioned, brainwashed, possibly by crafty bearded men living in caves centuries ago. However, for some time now, it has been me living in an illusion.
Listen to this verse and tell me what you think. Christ wants us to "destroy speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God." Thoughts? Interpretations? There are various ones...but that doesn't matter. That's not the point.
The point is this. To me, for the longest time it's seemed that Christ doesn't want us to listen to, or even consider any idea that opposes itself to Him. And these could even be valid questions like "Do you even exist? Do you really care about me? Did you really die on the cross? Do you really have complete control?" It seemed like Christ wanted to be unquestioned, he wanted us to be like the proletariate with our heads down as he goes along and sets up his kingdom for us that we might all be equal someday, or something. To me, his kingdom started to look like the Third Reich and he became the unquestionable, unstoppable dictator with a smidgeon of a mustache. It felt that if I were to ask questions, I would be questioning Jesus Christ, and this was bad, because Jesus Christ is not someone you ask questions of.
But it was more than this. Not only did it seem like he didn't want me asking questions, he wanted me to bark away any questions that might arise about him, as if i was his bulldog that he was training or something. It all seemed so very much like brainwashing, and I didn't like it.

Like I said, it's funny how perspective can change things.
You know what else was happening while I felt like this? Well, lots of things.
My homework started slipping, I wouldn't do things just because I was lazy. I was pouting that I was sick, and that God wouldn't heal me, even though I asked nicely. I would stare at some cute girl as she walked down the street, just because I could and nobody was watching. I never talked to God, and then wondered why I felt so empty and hungry all the time.
Honestly, what it comes down to, I began to worship myself, as I so often do, and expected God and everybody else in my life to do the same.
Again, perspective changes things.
And you know what my perspective was?
From the outside.
I was on the outside, and it's that simple. I didn't know God anymore, even though he knew me very well. I isolated myself from his relationship and his love and this is what happened: I started feeling cold and hungry for something, but i didnt know what it was. I was synical about scripture, about anything about God, and it's all because I was on the outside.

On the outside, I thought it was brainwashing to think that God wants us to put down every speculation and argument that raises itself against Him.
I broke down a couple hours ago. It's strange what causes these things. This time, it was a Jon Foreman song.

I don't know. I just began to cry. Not sobs or anything, but just kind of small tears. I wrapped myself in this momentary feeling, listening to the music. "Your love is strong." The words pierced deep. It felt like God was calling me back, or had been for a while, and I just now decided to listen to him. Take a moment. Listen to it. It's such a powerful song.

Anyway, God broke me down, and I now feel myself on the "inside" again, like I can talk to God with swear words, with sincerity, with love. (I don't always talk to God with swear words. Only when I'm really passionate about something. And I don't think he minds).
And it was when I found myself on the inside again that I look back and think about how silly I was, about brainwashing.
When I was on the outside, I forgot who God was. On the inside, God feels powerful and strong, and it just seems too silly to me to even think about questioning him and his power or control or love or whatever-the-case-may-be. I find it a terrible thing, a very sad thing, to question God and his existence, even though I was in that same position a day ago.

Perhaps this conglomeration of sentences and fragments and run-ons served no purpose to you whatsoever. If so, then I'm sorry. If nothing else, you found out that I do indeed use...Hell... *gasp!*
And I hope you can somehow put your questions aside and come to God with complete happiness and worship. I learned to the hard way, and I will probably forget to someday and learn this the hard way all over again.
Don't be illusioned, and don't be on the outside. It's a cold, hungry place.